A real bad habit
I thought I’d solved that bad habit.
Yes, in my professional relationships – or almost.
This habit (a dirty habit, as my grandmother would say) I spot in others and in my customers.
I know how it works. I deconstruct it during my workshops.
And yet… she comes back, sneaky, as soon as I get home to be Mom again!
Here, I keep apologizing for little things: overcooked pasta, gray skies, a relative’s bad mood.
I apologize for forgetting, for rushing things, for not thinking about…
One evening, as my daughter celebrated her 23rd birthday, she put a vase on the table.
“Mom, every time you apologize for something stupid, you owe me two francs.”
Today the vase is full of coins.
And, in a way, it has also filled my conscience: this reflex is deeper than I thought and enormously difficult to get rid of.
What we do to ourselves without realizing it
Apologizing too much is rarely polite.
It’s anticipating the other person’s discomfort.
It’s over-attention.
It’s also a technique for avoiding the risk of displeasing…
In fact, we’re quick to apologize so as not to be misjudged.
For me, it’s the fear of being a bad mother (even though I work a lot and love it!).
It’s up to you to choose the injunction that cradles you:
- be perfect,
- be discreet,
- be at your service,
- makes no noise,
- please,
- hurry up.
- etc.
It’s very clear that if we’re not careful and let the automatic reflexive algorithm go ….
– We downplay our successes.
– We soften our sentences.
– We justify ourselves for things that don’t depend on us.
Here are some common examples:
- Projector not working? “Sorry, the projector isn’t working.”
- Is a colleague absent? “Sorry, he’s not in today.”
- Is a project behind schedule? “Sorry for the delay.”
- Is it raining? “I’m sorry it’s raining.”
Every “sorry” seems to send out a silent signal: Make yourself small, consider yourself lucky tobe accepted here.
And after a while, you believe it.
What the experts tell us
Vulnerability researcher Brené Brown explains that behind this reflex to regularly apologize lies fear:
the fear of upsetting, disappointing or not measuring up.
“We hustle for our worthiness.”(We hustle for our worthiness.)
Every excuse becomes an attempt to make amends before we’re even blamed for anything.
But vulnerability, she says, is not weakness:
“It’s our greatest measure of courage.”(It’s our greatest measure of courage.)
Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith, in How Women Rise, talk aboutself-limiting habits.
These behaviors – apologizing, minimizing, justifying – seem benevolent, but they hold us back.
“What got you here won’t get you there.”(What got you here won’t get you there.)
Tara Mohr, in Playing Bigger, urges women to think before apologizing:
“Is this really necessary?”
Because every useless excuse erodes our legitimacy, even when the intention is good.
Changing the disc
Freeing yourself from this reflex doesn’t happen overnight. But every awareness counts.
>– 1. Locate the reflex.
Catch the “sorry” on the fly. Smile. Transform it.
“The projector doesn’t work – we’ll adapt.”
>– 2. Replace the excuse with something else.
“Thank you for your patience.”
“I see the projector isn’t working.”
–> 3. Tell the facts without judging yourself.
“The report isn’t ready yet, but it will be tomorrow.”
Simple. Straightforward. Responsible.
–> 4. Assume vulnerability without apology.
“I did my best. And that’s good enough.”
Do you need motivation to change?
Every time a woman apologizes for a trifle, often unintentionally, she teaches the next woman to “shrink” a little more.
To stop apologizing is not to become arrogant.
It’s recognizing your value without justification.
It is to say:
I can be gentle and strong.
Imperfectible and legitimate.
Present without permission.
The next time a “sorry” rises to your lips, take a breath.
And just say to yourself: “That’s the way it is and that’s OK.”.
Changing a habit isn’t easy. Engage with a colleague to stop this thing.
In doing so, you’ll be doing every woman a world of good!
Resources for further study
Don’t hesitate to take the time to read or reread these books to regain momentum.
Brené Brown – The Power of Vulnerability(Daring Greatly, 2012): Understanding shame, fear of judgment and the power of emotional courage.
Tara Mohr – PlayingBig, 2015: Daring to take your place without apologizing or minimizing your impact.
Sally Helgesen & Marshall Goldsmith – How Women Rise (2018): The 12 unconscious habits that hold women back from advancement.
Rachel Hollis – Stop apologizing, my friend!(Girl, Stop Apologizing, 2019): A straightforward, no-holds-barred approach to assuming your ambitions.
