In each of the coaching programs I offer, one question always comes up: how do you handle a difficult conversation?
Whether in your professional or personal life, these exchanges have a real impact: they can either strengthen a relationship, or weaken it for good. When well conducted, these conversations can become real levers for transformation – as shown by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen’s work on difficult conversations.
Before getting to the heart of the matter, there are three essential steps to follow.
Step 1
Start with you
A difficult conversation never starts with the other person. It starts with you.
Take a moment to observe what’s going on inside you: your emotions, the thoughts that go round and round, the reactions you anticipate. Write them down, even if they’re imperfect.
This observation work is directly in line with the emotional intelligence developed by Daniel Goleman: the ability to recognize one’s emotions is a prerequisite for not being trapped by them.
As long as your emotions remain implicit, they drive your behavior. Making them explicit gives you back choice.
Step 2
Decipher the story you’re telling yourself
When faced with a tense situation, you construct an interpretation. You don’t react to the facts, but to the meaning you give them.
This is exactly what Aaron Beck describes in his work on cognitive bias: our automatic thoughts directly influence our emotions and behavior.
The question to ask yourself is simple: what’s the story you’re telling yourself?
- What intentions do you have for the other?
- What judgments are you making?
- What conclusions do you draw without validation?
Write it down. Then step back: it’s only a hypothesis. This mental shift allows you to move from a posture of certainty to one of exploration.
Step 3
Adopt a posture of curiosity
In a difficult conversation, your reflex is often defensive. And defensiveness blocks understanding.
Adopting a posture of curiosity means taking a step to the side. Observing without immediately reacting.
This ability to step back is akin to what Chris Argyris called double-loop learning: questioning not only actions, but also the thought patterns that produce them.
In concrete terms, you seek to understand before convincing.
Creating a safe space to really talk
A difficult conversation only works if everyone feels safe enough to express themselves.
This concept of psychological safety has been extensively studied by Amy Edmondson: when people feel safe, they dare to speak out, ask questions and express disagreements without fear of reprisal.
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Without this framework
Conversation remains superficial
The person is afraid to really express him/herself
It anticipates serious or negative consequences
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With this frame
Conversation becomes productive
Tensions are seen as an opportunity to learn
Clarifying mutual needs to find a third way is seen as a victory
The DESC method: structuring what you want to say
When the stakes are high, communication often becomes blurred or emotional. The structuring of the message is inspired by assertive communication approaches, close to the work of Marshall Rosenberg.
Describe
Describe the adverse events observed
Without interpretation
Emotion
Express your feelings about his unwanted actions
Rooted in your experience
Suggest
Suggests another behavior/action
Practical and actionable
Consequences
Clarifies the new impact of this new action
Check understanding
You stay grounded in your experience, without blaming the other person.
The Contrast Technique: Removing the unsaid
In many exchanges, what creates tension is not made clear. The contrast technique involves making explicit what could be misinterpreted, directly inspired by Kerry Patterson’s work on managing high-stakes conversations.
A concrete example
“I want to be clear: my intention is not to blame you for anything. What matters to me is moving forward with the project .”
You clarify your intention before it gets distorted.
Seeing conflict differently
Conflict is not a dysfunction.
It’s a signal.
Social psychology research, notably that of Morton Deutsch, shows that well-managed conflict can reinforce cooperation and trust.
It’s not the conflict that makes the difference. It’s the way you go through it.
What’s next?
You can continue to avoid these conversations, or learn to handle them with greater control.
If you want to go further, I’ve designed an online module: in 30 minutes, you’ll acquire concrete tools to approach these exchanges with greater clarity, calm and impact.
Further information
Some solid references to deepen these approaches and strengthen your practice.
Crucial Conversation
Kerry Patterson et al.
Very practical. Directly applicable tools for managing high-stakes discussions.
Words are windows
Marshall Rosenberg
An accessible and powerful gateway to non-violent communication.
Thanks for the feedback
Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen
Ideal for receiving (and giving) feedback, often at the heart of difficult conversations.
Fearless organization
Amy Edmondson
A reference for understanding how to create a climate of psychological safety conducive to open exchanges.
Dominique Ara
Leadership – Coaching – Training
I believe that systems change when people change their posture. I help leaders – especially women – to develop antifragile leadership: the kind that builds strength where others give up.
In training, individual coaching or with teams, I intervene where a leader’s posture changes the game for an entire system.
